Lunch on Founder's Day (of Hindu College). I don't know who the founder was. All he has amounted to, for most, is free food. I had my fill. The weather has been unworthy of description. In other words, dull with occasional but sallow sunlight.
The future is bleak. I have seen it in some people's faces and heard it in their conversations. They predict the end of things, for me. But the world will go on, indifferently, smug to have outlasted some of us. And 'this' occupies so much space, even though I cannot name it, even here - it is the unnameable. I have no courage to confront it nor do I have the ability to escape it. Am I already dead? If not, I'd prefer death than be mortified by this suspension.
J, you might be in love with a corpse.
17th Feb
At Af's place, this night.
This vinous dark, affected by this bloody wine. He says my presence is calming; it does not compel the otherwise garrulous man to talk. Is it so? My quietness, the
consequence of the torment within my mind, calms him! I would believe my company to be rather uncomfortable, disturbing even. He understands it to be the contrary. And this fact, strangely, instills a strange confidence within me. I can use this to my advantage; as a weapon. The piquant taste of wine is dark, metallic, somnolent. Its inebriation is calming, peaceful and terrible.
23rd
As the days pass, I am pulled closer to the bleak future. It is bleak because it is uncertain and to be in uncertainties is a frustrating thing! I am brought closer and closer to it as if I were strapped to a conveyor belt among other random things, to be fed into a cruel machine and be rendered homogeneous. Homogeneity means to be made equal, common, same - measured and contained; to be stripped of one's idiosyncrasies, strengths and weaknesses. It means to have one's face stolen. And one's thoughts subjected to oblivion.
But when I meet that future, it will no longer be uncertain. It will harden into a fact - dense, immutable, irrevocable. And I fear it will be a terrible thing. But uncertainties are frustrating too. A contradiction again! What am I to do?
27th
The end of another chapter. It should end even though my heart is turbulent with confusion. I cannot go back to J again. Not as before. This 'revolution' too must be quelled
like all other revolutions. Revolutions can never truly last long. Order is/must be finally restored with compromise and/or bitter consequences. And it shall be bitterness for us.
I decide this alone for the both of us, but I believe this is the only thing to be done. No more suspense; enough procrastination. We were, after all, never meant to be.
And it is with great pain, I end this chapter. A certain poet (I forget
his name) said, 'Love is eternal for as long as it lasts.' And so was ours. Now I must extricate this love which has become an essential part of my heart; and I will bleed, I know, but I'd rather have all my blood pour out than have fire in my veins.
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